Thursday, May 8, 2008

There's a National Championship this Weekend. Really!!

In the interest of keeping fans abreast of all that is running news, allow us to be the first to inform you that someone, somewhere in Michigan is holding a USATF 25k championship on Saturday. It seems that no one decided to tell any top American distance runners, though.

"I just found it on the internet one day while I was trolling message boards," said oft-unheralded American marathoner Peter Gilmore. "No one told me nothing. No one ever tells me nothing! I started in FREAKING corral FREAKING 'C' at the FREAKING Boston marathon in '05. I finished 10th! My chip time was 2:10! Would it kill someone to give a guy a FREAKING heads up?! BIIIIITCH!!"

When asked if he found the race on the internet as well, U.S. Olympic marathon team member and the only other notable "name" in the 25k field, Brian Sell remarked, "In...ter...NET? What's that? Is it like one of those things we sell in the ceramics department?"

Sell actually was never told about the race. He was simply instructed by his coaches to do a 25k "tempo" in Grand Rapids on Saturday.

"A Race? Oh-ho-ho-ho, Those Hanson brothers are some real sly, slippery, snakes," said Sell. "They know how to push 'ol Selly's buttons. I oughta knock them on their asses. Oh well, I'll do it, the race. Sometimes you gotta do stuff you don't want for the good of the team. Like throw a down-field block, or go to war, or endorse a pansy ass car company insteaduh' Chevy. I'll do it, but i don't gotta like it, knowwhatImean?"

We do know what you mean Selly. We do.

If you are wondering who is winning in that oh-so-nebulous USA Running Circuit, here are the standings through 5 events (sloppily copied and pasted from


Place Name Points
1 James Carney 15
2 Andrew Carlson 15
3 Jason Lehmkuhle 12
4 Dan Browne 12
5 Fernando Cabada 11
6 Steve Sundell 10
7 Fasil Bizuneh 10
8 Brian Sell 7
9 Patrick Gildea 6
10 Jason Hartmann 6
11 Rod Koborsi 5
12 Bret Schoolmeester 5
13 Ryan Kirkpatrick 4
14 Josh Simpson 3
15 Matt Gabrielson 3
16 Brett Gotcher 3
17 Luke Humphrey 3


Place Name Points
1 Deena Kastor 45
2 Magdalena Lewy Boulet 24
3 Tera Moody 21
4 Blake Russell 20
5 Zoila Gomez 16
6 Kate O'Neill 15
7 Turena Johnson Lane 14
8 Desiree Davila 12
Katie McGregor 12
10 Serena Burla 10
Tara Storage 10
12 Ann Alyanak 8
13 Nicole Aish 7
Mandi Zemba 7
15 Kristen Nicolini Lehmkuhle 6
Samia Akbar 6
Dot McMahan 6
18 Katerine Newberry 5
19 Robyn Friedman 4
20 Dot McMahan 3
Annie Bersagel 3
22 Kara Storage 2
Erin Moeller 2
24 Melissa White 1
Stephanie Herbst-Lucke 1

1 comment:

Jeremy said...

I would like it better if it were called the US Running SHORT Circuit. Because then it could feature a hilariously charming robot.