LessThanOurTweets

Friday, May 2, 2008

Fearless Predictions: Stanford SuperMeet Edition


We here at Less Than Our Best are concerned with very little. One of those few interests is reading emails that your mother sent you. The other is acting like we have some expertise in predicting things. Here's a few things that will LITERALLY happen this weekend:


STANFORD PAYTON JORDAN

1) 1500 - Lomong, Lukezic. Solinsky, Sullivan, Symmonds. Tegenkamp. Those are their names in alphabetical order if you are wondering. If "T" came before "S" in the alphabet, it might also be their order of finish. Whhhooooaaa, freaky man. I bet all you stoner hippies out in California love that stuff, huh.
News Flash: "T" doesn't come before "S" so get over it.
Lomong will win this one in an even closer and faster race with Tegenkamp than in Arizona St. a few weeks ago. Sullivan will be right behind his ginger ally and Lukezic will barely pass the broad shoulders of Solinsky at the tape with Symmonds wilting to 6th over the last 150. Lomong in 3:38.

2) Steeple - After taunts of "why don't you drink a beer bong college boy" and "go back to the frat house college boy," from notorious post-collegiate unknowns, Max King and Thomas Brooks, notorious collegiate unknown Kyle Alcorn unleashes his college nerd rage into a 600 meter kick that thrills the crowd and sends King and Brooks back into the fame of their obscurity. Alcorn becomes the most famous of unknown steeplers. Alcorn in 8:28.

3) 5000 - 600 meters to go. Torres, Lagat, Carney, and Abdi have seperated themselves. Carney remembers that he left the ferris wheel running across the street, worries children may jump, checks off. 400 to go. Abdi rememebers that he is a 10k/marathoner now, can't quite match the knee-bend of the other two, slows down. 200 to go. Torres remembers that he is racing Lagat, accepts defeat. 100 to go, Lagat remembers to throw out
Degeneration X 'suck it' sign as he crosses finish line. FloTrack is forced to actually edit something in their videos and blurs out finish due to "content standards" and "family values." No one wins. Lagat in 13:09.

4) 10,000 - In a duel tabbed "Australian balls vs. American pussies (and some European fancy-boys)" by the Australian press, Craig Mottram comes out guns-a-blazing in hopes of making Oceania proud. He clips the rabbit's heels for the entire first 5k and takes off after he finally gives up and pushes the rabbit out of the way. After a spicy next 3k where the Ball Buster gets serious seperation from the field, the pack of "pussies" led by Galen Rupp, the "head pussy" if you will, comes up on Mottram and finally catches him with 800 to go.
The "pussies" swallow up the "balls" and its left to a 400 meter showdown between Rupp and the Briton, Mo Farah. The Stanford crowd is beside themselves cheering against the evil British Empire, as is the American way, and Rupp throws in a scintilating final 100 meters to edge out Farah in what will be called the "best ever race on American soil" by Track and Field News in their June/July/August edition when everyone has already forgotten that this race ever happened (but they'll have good pictures!). Rupp in 27:21.

5) (Women's) 10,000 - Joke Teller: Ok, Kim Smith, Shalane Flanagan, and Kara Goucher walk into a bar...
Me: Wait. What bar? Is it close? Are they there now? Is there going to be dancing? Let's Go THERE NOW!
Joke Teller: No, it's a joke...
You don't want to hear the rest of that joke, it ends with me sobbing outside the "Blind Turkey Pub and Spirits" in Palo Alto with mace in my eyes, wondering what could have been.

***Seriously, can a guy write about a female sporting event without taking it down to this level. Yes, they are beautiful, intelligent young women but let's focus on their athletic accomplishments here and stop being such pigs. You disgust me, me.***

Anyway, this field is the most impressive of the night with easily the top two (non-Deena) female U.S. distance runners on the track in Kara Goucher and Shalane Flanagan, with Kim Smith thrown in their to keep it honest. Flanagan = Unstoppable. Goucher = Indestructible. We're all winners when these two forces meet. Flanagan in 31:01.

OHIO STATE JESSE OWENS

6) The "Payton Jordan of the Midwest" has a lot of great guys running. However, a mere mortal like me cannot make heads or tails out of who is running which race since many people are entered into multiple events. How can I predict a race's results when I don't know who is going to be in it? How can the fans get excited if I don't make predictions? I only have so much power, I AM ONLY ONE MAN! Sometimes the way track markets itself makes me so angry that I want to, I don't know, do a weekly podcast or something.

7) Brian Olinger vs. Josh McAdams in the steeple. Two all-american boys competing their little hearts out. Somehow I feel like this race is going to end with some scraped knees, a few dirty baseball uniforms, and someone's mom handing out cans of RC Cola. Olinger in 8:30.

OTHER STUFF

8) There is NOTHING else going on this weekend (especially after the CAVS finish off the wizards tonight).

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I didn't know T&FN was the kind of magazine to have "good pictures" of balls and pussies. I might have to check that one out.

Chad said...

"Sometimes the way track markets itself makes me so angry that I want to, I don't know, do a weekly podcast or something."

Nice rip on Runnerville. Great site, but you'd think they could do more than just rip on the way the sport is marketed.

WMc said...

Wiety, Good predictions, but I just want to point out that you've been sacrificing the gift for a lot longer than "since 2007." Keep up the great work and remember - the key to success is to never get involvd in an argument with a mad Hungarian and a little Brit! Well, that, and more giant Snoopy balloons! - Your Old Coach

Jesse said...

It would seem wmc finally has this internet thing all figured out.

ben said...

@chad : I definitely am not ripping runnerville. I love that site and the weekly podcasts. It's great that we have intelligent people actually talking about marketing track and distance running. I was just poking fun a bit.

Jeremy said...

@chad: FWIW, I think of Runnerville as sort of the de facto ombudsman of the sport. Ideally, those in charge can use Runnerville to take their sport's pulse from a variety of viewpoints, beyond the Yes-men in their own organization. Maybe even, on occasion, those powers-that-be can mine Runnerville for ideas to make their events or marketing better.

ToniR said...

Chad,

We at Runnerville couldn't agree with you more. The time has come for constructive ideas rather than just irritated rants. That said, it has taken a while to purge ourselves of the lingering frustrations that have accrued over our running lives. Thanx for the reminder to make the needed turn.

Toni Reavis
Runnerville.com

Chad said...

Ben, Jeremy, and Toni,

I totally agree that Runnerville is great and they definitely develop some thought-provoking discussions. I'm just saying that EVERY podcast doesn't have to be about how to market our sport better.

Seriously, keep up the great work with this site and Runnerville.