LessThanOurTweets

Thursday, May 1, 2008

College Track Coach and Athlete Arrested

Palo Alto, California -- A college athlete and his coach were arrested last night on charges of falsifying official California state documents, according to Palo Alto police. The athlete, Anthony Sabatino, 22, and his coach, Woody Archibald, 47, from Oldstown State University in Ohio, flew into the Santa Clara County airport last night and were greeted by three uniformed policemen waiting to take them downtown.

"We had received word that they were providing false information on a document turned into Stanford University," said police spokesman Jerry Kind. "The state has decided to crack down hard on such incidents starting with the most heinous offenders."

The document in question was an entry form for Stanford University's "Payton Jordan Invitational." Sabatino and Archibald were in town to compete in the prestigious college track and field meet being held this weekend.

According to official records Sabatino was enterered into "section 2 of 5" in the 5000 meters event with a listed entry time of 13:52.85. There exists no official record of Sabatino ever running faster than 15:08.24 at the Stanford Invitational on April 4th of this year.

"When I ran that 15:08 I had been feeling sick all week and I led for, like, half the race," said Sabatino, who justifies the inflated entry time by claiming he is ready for a "big breakthrough" at Stanford this weekend. He cites a "monster 5 by 1000 meter workout" as proof that he is ready to run his listed entry time.

His coach agrees, "When Anthony ran his previous personal best, we hadn't yet started speedwork. He ran that 15:08 all off of base and tempo runs. We knew if we could get him in a heat with some guys running fast, who knows how fast he can run?"

Nevertheless, the new statewide crackdown on these offenses made the arrest inevitable.

The false time was initially identified by a nationwide watchdog group known simply as the LRCMB. The group meets on an internet "message board" to, among other things, point out and discuss infractions such as these. A representative from the LRCMB known on the board as "This is lame" sent a list of offenders to the Stanford meet director who made a decision on how to proceed from there.

"There is really no way for a meet director like me to know for sure when these athletes and coaches are lying," said Jay Landry, the meet's entry director. "I mean, these guys had unround numbers all the way to the hundredth of a second. Come on, how can you make that kind of stuff up?"

The "Payton Jordan Invitational" directors are planning to meet with other track and field meet directors across the state next week to come up with a plan to combat incidents like the one with Sabatino and Archibald. Ideas include using a new, high-tech searching device called "google" that is found on the "internet" to confirm if entry times match other official results.

There is no word yet on how long until the new plans will be set into place. For now, though, it is up to the LRCMB and other like-minded groups to point out offenders and bring them to justice.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

What the hell kind of crap is this? There's no such university as "Oldstown State." There's no one at Palo Alto P.D. named Jerry Kind (and where did you find the image of that PAPD should patch? That patch hasn't been used for years!). Besides, if there's a crime at Stanford, Stanford Department of Public Safety is going to investigate, not Palo Alto Police. Dude, if this is some kind of April Fools thing, you are a month too late!

Jesse said...

ROTFLMAO^^^

ben said...

@ Anonymous : you don't know me, bro.

Jeremy said...

@ ben: you better not set foot in Palo Alto, else they'll arrest you for falsifying a Palo-Alto-based news item.

WMc said...

"Oldstown State?" I love it! Of course, you know this "joke" could get you in trouble with the mob (Or Jim Tressel). And you are in New York, so... Watch your back!

ben said...

@ wmc : I was wondering how that severed penguin head got into my bed this morning...