Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What They Didn't Tell You: adidas Classic

First off, what they didn't tell you was that I'd be out of town the beginning of this week, and too much of a lard-ass to write this ahead of time. But there's also plenty to talk about from this weekend's action. That's straight ahead...

Jenn Stuczynski jumped an AR 16' (#2 all-time in the world) in the pole vault competition at the adidas Track Classic. What they didn't tell you is that she didn't actually jump at all! She used a pole to launch herself up over the bar! What a rip!

Shannon Rowbury ran an INCENDIARY 4:01 to clean up in the 1500 and easily get her Olympic "A" standard. And, as she crossed the line she bellowed over her shoulder "How's that Rowbury Pie taste, bitches?" Then, she credited her senior prom date, Don Sebastian, pictured with her, above, for supporting her during those developmental years.

Rupp's win in the ATC 3k stunned plenty of people who felt he was a 10k-or-Bust kind of guy. What they didn't tell you was that for this 3k, he wore an extra Breathe-Right. Aargh! The things I wish I knew in college!

With all the hubbub out in Carson City, the Healthy Kidney 10k in Central Park enjoyed a scant moment in the sun Saturday afternoon before being swept aside. With that short window, they never got the chance to tell you that kidneys are so last year. Next year, the beneficiary ought to be the pancreas. It's shaped like corn.

What they didn't tell you is that, apparently, Jimmy Wyner and Grant Robison switched names. Hence you THINKING that ESPN's commentators mixed up a curly-haired kid from Cornell, with a tall former Olympian. (And even if Stones & Rawson had made a mistake, no big deal, really: they were only rabbits, and mistakes like that are common, anyway. I mean, just last week, Tim McCarver got Jason Varitek mixed up with fellow all-star Red Sox backup, Kevin Cash. Plus, I mean, it wouldn't have been like Robison and Wyner had their names on their bibs. And, ultimately, it's only track, right?)

And finally, what they didn't tell you was that in the Less Than Our Best "USATF Pick-N-Win Contest" Contest... I actually tried. To any readers I let down or who felt misled and that the site misrepresented itself, I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again.


Chad said...

What about Jeremy Wariner not telling us how to warmup, just how to cooldown?

bryan said...

What about the 1500 meter race having the best moustache in two decades, sported by Will Leer. I wish I had a photo. It was Pre-esque.

Jeremy said...

Whoa whoa whoa, Bryan - The Jefferson Twins were rocking the porn-stache before Leer's appearance this weekend.

and, alas: I think I missed the Warniner segment while watching Boston-Cleveland. But I'm pretty sure he didn't elaborate on warm-up technique because his is like my grandpa's -- a nip or five of Johnny Walker, and a bout of shouting about "the gaddamn kids next door" and the way keep leaving their "gaddamn soccer balls on the property."