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Friday, April 25, 2008

Fearless Predictions: Relays Edition

We here at Less Than Our Best are concerned with very little. One of those few interests is learning what Zach Galifianakis thinks about physical comedy. The other is acting like we have some expertise in predicting things. Here's a few things that will LITERALLY happen this weekend:

PENN RELAYS

1) Teams like Villanova, Georgetown, Michigan, Arkansas etc. will care way too much about if they win or not. They REALLY love this meet. Like, a lot.

2) Villanova will snag the coveted golden cheese steak (I'm assuming that's what they win) in the DMR and the 4x800, making them the toast of Philadelphia, which is roughly equivalent to being the best dancer at your 50 year old aunt's wedding (Yeah, people are impressed but you aren't getting any action out of it because the only people there are your cousins and old people).

3) Bill Cosby, an annual relays attendee, talks to some kids and it. is. hilarious.

THE DRAKE RELAYS

4) Teams like Northern Iowa and Iowa will care way too much if they win or not. All they get for winning is a sissy-looking pennant that they have to jog around the track with. No golden cheese steak.

5) The relays sell out for the one hundred billionth year. When reached for comment, Drake, Iowa official historian and lifetime resident Earl Foldershoes, 96, had this to say about the popularity of track in the quiet midwestern city: "We like track here almost as much as we like corn and, WWWhhoooo-WWWwweeee do we like corn. Corn on the cob, corn salad, corn meal, corn mush, corn ribs, we like it all. I could go on all day about how..." and that's when I stopped listening and went and got some corn ice cream (a Drake Relays staple!). I had a craving.

6) After news that Alan Webb dropped out of the men's mile, meet directors shame him publicly by forcing him to walk a lap on the track wearing a Nebraska sweatshirt in front of the packed house of rabid Drake fans. Let's just say it turns out ugly, there are some places a corncob should never be forced.

HILLSDALE "GINA" RELAYS

7) The showdown of three fromer world champs/Olympics qualifiers in the 1500 (Nick Willis, Nate Brannen, and the long-forgotten Grant Robison) will be one for the ages! Willis wins in 3:41, looking easy, Brannen close behind in 2nd, also 3:41, and Robison finishes seventh in 3:45. In future retrospect, I suppose that is not quite "one for the ages," rather, "one to be forgotten very quickly and very easily."

8) All kidding aside, they have really turned this "Gina Relays" into a super credible event, especially considering the competition for athletes from Drake and Penn. One day, I hope they decide to provide more than 5 toilets and a few rolls of toilet paper for all of the athletes. A nervous runner's bladder is nothing to underestimate.

SOMETHING OUT WEST?

9) Hahahahahahahahahaha! You hippies are TOO funny. Like we really care about anything that goes on out in la-la land (except Mt. Sac and Stanford meets...And Eugene meets. And the Real World. But other than that? HA!).

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