Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Weekend Meets Preview: Conferences

There's a lot going on this weekend. So to help you sift through the raft of conference meets that are coming up in a few short days, we've put together a little guide to the juiciest conference meets on tap. After the jump: getting to know each D1 conference like you know your favorite recording artists.

It's hard to keep up on each of the many conferences that will be competing this weekend, so we compare each of the major conferences to their natural cognate in the music world. Read on to better familiarize yourself:

ATLANTIC 10: Oasis –– The greatest rock band since the Beatles. Or, maybe more accurately, washed up and self-important. By the way: Wonderwall wasn’t even that great of a song to begin with.

HEPS: Radiohead –– Man, they take themselves seriously, don’t they? And maybe they’re a little too smart for their own good, got a little too plugged into the whole sociopolitical-consciousness thing, what with this “pay what you wish for our album” business, which could only have been hatched by some sort of granola-making neo-hippie agro-commune. But they’ve got talent. Dammit, they’ve got talent.

BIG 10: Paris Hilton –– What’s that you say? Not a recording artist? Ha! Like the Big 10, this girl is just fantastic at pretty much everything she tries. Being a socialite. Reality TV star. Movie star. Internet star. And, of course, pop star. Of course the nay-sayers claim she’s just getting by on reputation. But they’re just jealous.

BIG 12: Michael Bolton –– Powerful vocals. Surprisingly handsome looks. The ability to overcome a history of bad hair and parlay his affection for ping pong into a relationship with one of the Desperate Housewives. You take cheap-shots at him, and never, never, never admit to liking his music, but “Said I Loved You But I Lied”? “How Can We Be Lovers (If We Can’t Be Friends)”? There’s just no denying what a good couple of cuts those are.

PATRIOT LEAGUE: Iron & Wine –– Mellow and easy on the ears. Throw in a wicked beard and you’ve got the kind of conference you want to listen to while kicking back and chiefing on a giant joint of medicinal hemp.

CONFERENCE USA: Destiny’s Child –– Marquette and Cincinnati left to pursue a career in the movies. St. Louis wanted to return to its gospel roots. And TCU suddenly thought it was SO much prettier than everyone else. What's left are the roadies and back-up dancers who I bet you didn’t know, still tour under the “DC” name, playing some of the biggest, most prestigious bowling alleys and Knights of Columbus halls across the country.

MAC: Steve Winwood –– Can’t say nothing bad about Steve Winwood. He’s blue collar, he’s sorta old school (he played with Eric Clapton for chrissakes!), the college kids like his stuff from the 80’s. Some real nice hits once upon a time. But he’s a dying breed. Steve Winwood just likes his football too much.

SEC: David Lee Roth –– That might actually be a picture of Chris Kattan as David Lee Roth. No matter.

BIG WEST: The Polk Street Elementary Sixth Grade Mixed Choir –– I guess they’re fairly talented but it’s just a bunch of kids from the same neighborhood, so their concerts are only supported by their parents, grandparents and very begrudging siblings. Not the national following they could, and, probably should have. I mean, afterall: did you hear that arrangement of “Only the Good Die Young”? Tabitha James absolutely sold the solo in the second verse.

ACC : Captain and Tenille –– Classy. Timeless. Nautical.

MWC: Gwar –– For no particular reason. Why is that guy, with no apparent musical responsibilities, standing in the back of the picture with so much fake blood on him?

BIG EAST: Aerosmith & Run DMC on “Walk This Way” –– On paper it looks like an unlikely marriage. But you mix it all together – I believe the kids call it a “mash up” these days – and what comes out on the other end is pure sonic bliss – at least according to bjw. Afterall, he wakes up every morning and immediately puts this song on repeat so that it will get him up and at ‘em, and will remain ready to greet him when he walks back through the front door, as if to ensconce him in supple arms and whisper in his ear, “You’re home.”

PAC-10: Coldplay –– you know how I know you’re gay?

You like the Pac-10.

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