Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A Douche for the Decades: John Chaplin

The man to your right is John Chaplin. He's a douche. In this crazy mixed up world where people are willing to throw around the "d" word all too often, this Mr. Chaplin guy has earned it. He has practically defined it. He has made us all think twice the next time we want to call our friend a "douche" for renting "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" and watching it with his girlfriend on Saturday night instead of drinking and lighting fireworks with his "bros". And that is just not right, Mr. Chaplin. Not at all.

As you may have noticed recently in Scott Douglas' Running Times piece , John Chaplin came across as a bit of a...a...a douche (I simply can not find a better word).

Mr. Chaplin, tell us how you really feel:

“The Olympic trials are not a goddamn all-comers’ meet.”

“Those clowns in the bottom half of the 10,000 have no chance on God’s green earth of making the Olympic team.”

“I have no patience with distance runners any more.”

Me neither, Johnny. I think you successfully used your clearly endearing personality and vocabulary to change my mind. I'm with you, you're not a douche. Distance runners are too squirrely and generally bad smelling for me, anyway.

If only these goddamn people would shut up and stop goddamn bothering you, right? Hell, you had your goddamn buddies "Slim" and "Buckface" from your goddamn coaching days at Washington goddamn State with you in Eugene and that goddamn trip to the goddamn coast afterward didn't just plan itsgodamnself now did it?!

Why would anyone bother you about appealing to get into a heat? It's ludicrosity stacked on top of dumbassery.

To all of you constantly complaining distance runners: please stop your fighting. There is no reason and no chance we are going to expand the field just to suit you. Mr. Chaplin has made this fact crystal clear: Appeals will not be heard, event fields will not expand. So. Shut. Up.

Hehe, see how I told them Mr. Chaplin? Those guys never learn. Why would they possibly think that an appeal might help their case? Why would they try? Stupid goddamn distance runners. Now, excuse me while I read on in the article.

“Appeals are decided on an individual basis,” (Chaplin) says.

Mr. Chaplin?! Johnny? Chap-man! Sup with the whack contradictions, sup?! You really had me flipped for a second there, you old coot. As it turns out, you ARE a douche.

So, you're saying that appeals ARE part of the process of getting into the field, but you don't want to hear them, but they ARE considered on an individual basis. And, as it is revealed in the article, you are not even going to read a perfectly legitimate appeal from a runner (Blake Bolden) who went through all of the proper channels and steps to take a shot at being admitted into the field? It's not like you are the chair of the committee that is supposedly in charge of sticking to these rules.

The laziness, arrogance, and profane amount of old-man-bullshit that that jumps out of this article is a slap in the face to every USA track fan and athlete. John Chaplin feels like he is invincible. Otherwise, he would never say the things he said to a reporter.

Chaplin needs to be removed from his post at USATF. Doug Logan needs to make a statement and hold Chaplin accountable for his comments. A high ranking official in any organization should not get away with calling people in that organization "clowns", or speaking so condescendingly about runners who are following the appeals process that the USATF has explicitly spelled out and then not even reading the appeal that was submitted. Logan would make a lot of people happy if Chaplin was raking long jump pits at the Springfield come-and-run at this time next year instead of back slapping in the lobby of the Eugene Hilton.

I truly hate to be negative and I hate even more that I am about to use a phrase that is obscenely overused in track and field media. I hate hate hate it. But, John Chaplin, from his statements and his history, is the most perfect, most douchetastic, and most cronyistic (Not a word? Should be.) example of...

oh no, here it comes...

I'm gonna do it so get ready...

wait for it...


That is why Mr. John Chaplin has been chosen as the inaugural selection for the Less Than Our Best "A Douche for the Decades" series. So celebrate with us, come on!

Let us know if you have suggestions for future "ADFTD" pieces.

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