LessThanOurTweets

Friday, September 28, 2007

At-Large Points Are Sexy: A Handy Guide

At this point in the cross country season, the big story is racking up those potential at-large qualification points. Really, when it comes down to it, scoring those points is not so different from another kind of scoring that I know shamefully, painfully little about, despite my best efforts to decipher the female specimen by watching "The L-Word" and ingesting a steady diet of the best How To Talk to Women and Psychology of Human Sexuality books money can buy. So below, I've cobbled together a guide culled from snippets of stories I've overheard my friends tell and a number of FHM features. What we're concerned with here are teams that can help you get to the Dance. In other words, kiss Colorado, Oregon and Wisconsin good-bye. They're out of your league. Don't even make eye contact with them from across the bar, you'll only end up embarrassing yourself. And hooking up with a fat chick is no good either - that's like beating St. Bonaventure and how's that going to help your at-large hopes? And for Pete's sake, we're skinny runners - the disproportionality of that proposal alone would violate every possible rule of decorum and aesthetic pleasantness.

THE GIRL WHO JUST BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND
She's way more attractive than you and normally wouldn't look at you twice, but at the moment she's emotionally unstable. Perfect. You will be the direct benefactor of what is either her revenge-minded hedonism or her desire to do anything to get her mind off that asshole Brad. But be advised - most high-reward endeavors are high-risk as well, and if she ends up getting back together with Brad while you're all still at the bar, you're probably going to get your ass kicked: Oklahoma State, Texas.

THE HOT GIRL IN A BIG GROUP OF HER FRIENDS
A terrible idea. There are like 8 of them and there's no way you and your two roommates will be able to hold the group's collective attention by quoting Borat, your usual, and now quite dated, go-to social table setter: Stanford, Arkansas, NC State.

THE PLAIN GIRL IN A BIG GROUP OF HER FRIENDS
A much better mark. With so many of her friends around she could easily get lost in the shuffle. The odds are good that she'll respond to any attention at all, so pounce already. Besides, everyone loves the grateful type: Princeton, Notre Dame.

THE INTERNATIONAL STUDENT
You don't speak her language but god you wish you did: UTEP, Iona, Alabama.

THE FRESHMAN
Sure, you feel kind of slimy, being opportunistic and seizing on her inexperience, but there are no bonus points for added challenge. And, if you didn't, you know somebody else would have instead, anyway: Iowa State, Georgetown.

THAT GIRL FROM YOUR ECONOMICS OF SOCIAL CHANGE CLASS
A prudent investment. Built-in conversation-starter, and you feel like you already kind of know her because you've noticed how she cocks her head and purses her lips in that cute way when she's taking notes. Your friend told you she lives in the same dorm as you, so all you have to do is plan a joint study session, drop a little Keynes, and you're in like butter. Invisible hand, baby. Invisible hand. William & Mary.

THE GIRL PASSED OUT IN THE UPSTAIRS ROOM
The low-hanging fruit. Step one in your quest to Nationals. You excuse yourself to the keg and locate her, her face buried in a tangle of hair and what you hope is only drool, and then it's easy pickins. At least, until that girl who lived two floors up from you freshman year walks in looking for her coat, realizes what's going on, and starts yelling downstairs to her boyfriend Andrew, that douchebag with the blowout who was always listening to shitty house and trance music freshman year, bumping the bass so hard you couldn't even think even though you lived at the far end of the hall from him, and having him come in and shove you around for a bit and then wait for you outside the party with that buddy of his who you always saw him going to the gym with whose name was George, I think, and who, it turns out, is that passed-out girl's boyfriend, and things are looking pretty fucking ugly even though you keep telling them that you hadn't even had the chance to do anything by the time her friend walked in, and then Tom chucks a couple bottles at them from an upstairs window, and one catches Andrew square on the cheek and you take that opportunity to sprint out of there and across campus and hide out behind the rec center on the lacrosse field for like, three fucking hours, all the while thinking thank god for Tom, thank god for teammates, Jesus Christ thank god for Tom Grossian, that lanky bastard: I am never going to make fun of his stupid bandana and patchy beard again.

In other words, do NOT fuck with Florida State or Providence. Unless you can verify they are at least semi-conscious and romantically unattached.

YOUR BEST FRIEND'S EX-GIRLFRIEND
That's just not cool, man.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

YOUR BEST FRIEND'S EX-GIRLFRIEND
That's just not cool, man.

If that refers to your co-author it should have read current (at the time).