IT'S THE END OF DAYS

Maybe you missed the memo, but US track and field is scheduled to be disbanded sometime in the next day or two. After drops in the 4 x 100m, it's all doom and gloom, from all sides. But basically, what it comes down to is this: the big-name American favorites who were getting their balls fondled by the USATF, NBC and domestic media, didn't produce. If the shot-putters go 1-2-3 (or probably, even 1-2 or 1-3), and if Tyson Gay doesn't get hurt and gets two silvers behind WR times... are we wailing and gnashing our teeth? Bear in mind, that's a royal "we" because ben and I certainly are doing neither of the above. At least not for track-related reasons.

Let's review:

-- sweep in the Men's 400H
-- sweep in the Men's 400
-- 2-3 in Men's 110H, behind the WR holder
-- gold in the Women's 110H (nearly 1-2)
-- surprise gold in the Women's Discus
-- bronze in Women's 10,000, behind the (essentially) #1 and #2 10k performances, all-time
-- 3-4-5 in the Men's 200 (essentially), behind the WR holder
-- silver in the Women's pole vault, behind the WR holder

But OH GOD! We lost to a freak of nature in the 100 & 200 with our best runner coming back from injury! We didn't win the 4 x 100s! Well, here's a little truth-bomb that I'm borrowing from ben's caché: the US men haven't won the 4 x 100m in consecutive Olympics since 1976, and the women haven't won it period since 1996. So it's not exactly like we've had a stranglehold on the event. Should we win the 4 x 100 most years? With our depth, Yes. Absolutely. Does losing it this year perhaps bespeak some laziness or a lack of preparation, especially when it feels like we always blow it in the Olympics? Sure.

But choking in the 4 x 1 hardly indicates that our athletes are no longer top notch, since that particular gold medal has never been a given, even in our best years. To wit: in 2004 we were talking about Athens being our most dominating showing in athletics, ever, despite getting beaten by Britain (men) and -- gasp! -- Jamaica (women) in the 400m relay. This time around, a couple key athletes falter individually -- while other unknowns step-up, mind you -- and we lose THE SAME RELAYS WE LOST IN GREECE and suddenly we're in the shitter. Right.

We've got women medaling in distance races. In the short stuff, we were beaten by world record holders in Bolt and Robles. If ANYTHING should be a cause for concern, its that we got totally housed in the Women's 100m, and had no one in the 800 or 1500 finals, on the men's side. But the latter is a product of a brutal Trials system which saw top talent in each event (Webb and Khadevis) get left at home. And the former, well, shit. Sometimes it just happens. Since 1992, US Women have won exactly FOUR of a possible 15 medals in the 100m, just two of them gold. Not like we've been laying waste to the rest of the world.

Why the sudden consternation? Because, after great showings at Worlds, Tyson Gay and Allyson Felix and Reese Hoffa and Jeremy Wariner have been getting pimped around for months now, and in Beijing they have 3 medals between them, none gold. (Felix & Wariner should each pick one up yet, in the 4 x 400s.) Statistically, this has been a pretty darn good showing, overall, for the American team, so don't blame the athletes. It just feels like a let-down. And for that, blame the marketing people at NBC, at the USATF, at Visa, at Nike, at adidas.

Guess what: surprises are what makes the Olympics the Olympics. One shot. Sometimes it doesn't work out.

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The Gouchers: Drama, Drama, Drama

LTOB, being the internet's, and thus the world's, number one source of breaking news and juicy juicy gossip surrounding all that is "The Gouchers," is very ashamed to say some big Goucher news slipped past us the last few days. (The blogging veterans at Lets-Krong had us beat by 2 whole days. Unacceptable.)

As it turns out, Kara has been writing journal entries for her hometown paper in Duluth, MN about her experiences in Beijing. And oohh baby have they been experiences.

The main thing I gleaned from reading her entry on August 10 is, I guess, something any fool would realize: Dudes love hitting on Kara Goucher. And not just any old dudes. In the first two days Kara was in Beijing she was hit on by:

1. A former President of the United States
2. A current President of the United States
3. An undisclosed NBA player
4. The entire United States men's volleyball team
5. The entire United States men's soccer team.

Whhooo! That's a lotta hollerin' headed in Kara's direction.

I have no doubt, of course, that her husband Adam has nothing to worry about. Kara's one of those wholesome types. Plus, I'm sure male athletes are spraying it in all directions while they're in Beijing, I know I would be. It is just this kind of thing that lends to Kara's girl-next-door, jee-golly vibe and makes her all the more deliciously appealing. To fans, that is (get your head out of the gutter, this is a family blog).

To keep up this image, I'm just going to ignore this part of the August 10th journal entry. Kara writes:

When I got to my room earlier, there was someone there and I lost it! She is a pole vaulter and very, very nice and she is leaving tomorrow morning :).

I know what she means, this afternoon I caught someone in my office eating the bologna and ketchup sandwich I left in the fridge. He was very very nice and he ended up without a left eye ;)

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What They Didn't Tell You: Olympics 1.0

Is it track time yet? For serious. I already feel like the Olympics have been going on for a week and yet we're FIVE WHOLE DAYS AWAY from seeing any athletics. There is literally nothing running-related to tell you about this weekend because it was all swimming and gymnastics and volleyball and stabbing. (Oh, and Meb was 2nd at Falmouth, whatever that is.) So in the meantime, with nothing else to talk about, enjoy a little eye-candy after the jump.

Ladies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and gentlemen . . .

Personally, I don't get it with Phelps -- he may be the first person with an underbite worse than mine -- but I keep hearing females call him "hot" and "so hot" and "I wish I had the unbridled lascivious vocabulary of a man because all I can keep coming up with is 'hot'." Now, on the other hand I can think of a lot of adjectives that could be used in conjunction with Ms. Alicia Sacramone, here (she's on the women's gymnastics team, and don't worry -- she's 20 years old). Lotta verbs for that matter. But I will refrain. Afterall, she's someone's daughter.

And, I trust a bunch of you will be more than capable of picking up the slack in the comments.

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Opening Ceremonies Drinking Game

So, no doubt you are as completely over-saturated by excited for the Olympics as we are. What better way to celebrate their commencement, than to punish your liver with a drinking game? Find the rules, after the jump.

And remember, the beauty of the drinking game is that, no matter what, you will win -- and you won't have to dedicate your entire life to the pursuit of it. Though, at 270 minutes, watching this telecast will certainly feel that way.

A new country enters the stadium - take 1 drink
New batch of fireworks set-off - 1 drink
Exterior shot of the Birds Nest - 1 drink
Shot of the Great Wall - 1 drink
Bob Costas appears on-screen - 1 drink
Commercial pimping The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - 1 drink
Commercial pimping Season 2 of Heroes - 1 drink
Broadcaster mentions Michael Phelps - 1 drink, poke self in eye
Broadcaster mentions heat, humidity, or pollution/smog and potentially adverse effects on competition - vomit, take 1 drink after clean-up

Exterior shot of The Cube (Aquatics Center) - take 2 drinks
Close-up of athlete with camcorder - 2 drinks
Close-up of Chinese administrator and/or high ranking political figure - 2 drinks
Discussion of US' inability to adhere to the basic rules of basketball win International basketball medal - 2 drinks
Performers perform any sort of Cirque du Soleil-style acrobatics - 2 drinks
Inappropriate racial/cultural generaliztion crosses your mind - take 2 drinks, chuckle to self
Bob Costas says "Ni Hao" - 2 drinks
Feature/mention/close-up of breathing masks offered by foreign Olympic Committees to their athletes - 2 drinks
Broadcaster mentions Tibet - 2 drinks (self-immolation optional)

Close up on a "delegation" of a single athlete (think Seychelles) - take 3 drinks
Close up on Chinese celebrity that looks -- to you -- like any other Chinese person - 3 drinks
Feature on Tiananmen Square and/or past political unrest in China - 3 drinks
In-Studio "Interview"/Promo with cast-member of The Mummy 3 - 3 drinks
Bob Costas uses some form of the world "inspire" in setting up an athlete feature - 3 drinks
Broadcaster mentions Darfur and/or the Sudan - take 3 drinks, pour 1 for Lost Boys
Mention of Ryan Hall and his chances at a marathon medal - take 3 drinks -- of juice, or tea, or water.

Inevitable mention/close-up/update on Eric "the Eel" Moussambani - drink until he finishes his race.

In-studio segment with Bob Costas learning martial arts moves from Mummy 3 star, Jet Li - 5 drinks

Feature on Carl Lewis - Finish drink
Airing of the inspired Carl Lewis music video - Finish 2 drinks
Feature on 1996 Gymnastics Team Gold Medal - Finish drink
Airing of the related -- and utterly inspired -- SNL Weekend Update Bit - Finish six-pack
Animated on-screen promo for The Mummy 3 featuring a warrior yeti performing Olympic sports - Finish six-pack

Anything involving the Olympic rings and a shirtless Brendan Fraser - Kill self

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A Handy Guide for Tonight's Opening Ceremonies

The fine folk(s) at Lets-Krong first linked to this, but I'll repost it here because it's pretty brilliant: The Big Lead breaks down each of the countries competing in Beijing. (Here's Part Two)

Some personal favorites:

American Samoa - Just won gold over Thinmintistan.
Kyrgyzstan - Would like to buy a vowel, please.
Afghanistan - Has a chance to medal this year, because the US will be too focused on beating Iraq.

Hey-o!

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Gearing Up for the Olympics: You may have noticed...

There are these things called "widgets" now inhabiting the right column around these parts. To take a moment for a little shameless self-promotion, the one at top is chasingBOLT, a project I helped Matt Taylor with a little bit. It is at the top because a) Usain Bolt is sweet and b) you can actually look at content right there in the player -- photos, videos... the whole shebang.

The NBC thinger below it just wants to hijack you over to their site, which we don't like as much... but we're sure there's no way we'll be able to update LTOB as quickly as those bastards at NBC will be updating that feed. So it'll make sure you never miss breaking news about the Hamm Brothers while you're visiting our site. Also, we've been promised that it will be a Carol Lewis-free zone.

Ultimately, let us know if you like having them there, hate having them there, or just think we're stupid for selling out in an arrangement that managed to net us zero dollars.

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Beijing 2008 Starts... TODAY

What's that you say? Friday? False. That's the Opening Ceremonies, homes. The first competition of Beijing08 began today -- Wednesday -- with something called "women's football." Not sure how women can play football, but, Hey, it's the Olympics! Right? Everyone gets a turn!

Anyhow, I apologize if this news comes as a bit of jolt, but no matter -- the important thing is that you've still had ample time to go see Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Warrior. Twice. So in light of that, let's take a little look ahead to all that lies in store for us -- athletics and otherwise -- during these three glorious weeks, using the most inspired element of M3 as our ruberic...

GYMNASTICS: Funny floor-routine music, impressive feats of athleticism and, this year, domestic intrigue: the US "women" could once again take home Olympic team Gold, just like those fetching young ladies did in Atlanta in 1996. Major difference? A team-wide crush on my part will would now be entirely inappropriate.

Excitement level... 10 warrior yetis






MODERN PENTATHLON: Running, swimming, pistol shooting, equestrian, and fencing. Remind me: when exactly was this event "modern"? I feel like a truly modern pentathlon would consist of Halo, Eating Snacks, Getting Fat, More Halo, and Whining. That said, I do like the spirit of this poorly-named event. I would like it more, though, if you had to fence another person while you were each riding a swimming horse, with the other competitors shooting at the both of you as they run along the riverbank. Then we all switch.

Excitement level... 5 warrior yetis





SWIMMING: Will Michael Phelps break medal-winning records? Probably. Will I care? Doubtful. Let's be honest - swimming is the most overrated sport on the docket every four years. Having multiple "discplines" for the same act -- swimming -- is like contesting a 400 on the track but making everyone run backwards, or walk on their hands. It's asinine.

Excitement level... 1 warrior yeti





BASKETBALL, MEN: Also known as, LeBron's Chance to Meet His Future European Teammates. What does it say about Northeast Ohio if LBJ is talking more about playing in Russia than he is about re-signing with Cleveland? Oh, and if I hear the USA team automatically referred to as "The Dream Team," I may try to choke on my own tongue. There was ONE Dream Team. There will only be one Dream Team. I'm not sure anyone has ever laid awake at night dreaming about Tayshaun Prince playing ball.

Excitement level... 6 warrior yetis





BASKETBALL, WOMEN: I hear the Women's portion of the Olympic basketball competition was so unwatchable it had to be subsidized by the Men's portion. Hey-o! But here's hoping this guy travels to China to support his favorite WBNA-ers and to serve as an ambassador for our nation.

Excitement level... 0 warrior yetis







TRAMPOLINE: I like trampolines. When I was a kid, my neighbor had one one time and it was fun.

Excitement level... 9 warrior yetis






TABLE TENNIS: Maybe the best game ever invented, if only because in 68 tries, ben has beaten me exactly 2 times. To get a sense of what that looks like, watch Trinidad's Dexter St. Louis take on Wang Hao of China in the early rounds. Won't be pretty.

Excitement level... 8 warrior yetis





JUDO: What do you do here? Grapple. Throw your opponent. That. Is. Awesome. I mean, even the name sounds cool. Joo-doe. Jooooooo-doe. Moreover, it's the sneakiest of all martial arts, as "judo" means "gentle way" -- you hear that, you start to think you're about to get a massage or maybe some sort of exotic aromatherapy/facial peel and then WHAM!

Excitement level... 8 warrior yetis





WUSHU: I'm pretty sure this is some sort of traditional food item. Not sure how it made it onto the Competition Schedule.

Excitement level... incomplete








BEACH VOLLEYBALL: Not as sexy as it sounds. Or as it could be.

Excitement level... 3 warrior yetis





RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: Not NEARLY as sexy as it sounds. Or as it could be.

Disappointment level... 100 warrior yetis

HANDBALL: Handball might be the coolest, most underappreciated ball sport there is. It's like soccer and basketball and hockey and ultimate frisbee rolled into one. Could some trampoline have been thrown in there for good measure? Sure. But there's still a lot of jumping, diving and balls flying everywhere. In other words, it kind of sounds like my typical Friday night.

Excitement level... 7 warrior yetis





ATHLETICS: Also known as Track and Field. (I will be using Athletics because it is beautifully compact, yet all-encompassing.) Do I even need to say that there is no better Olympic sport? There's more history here than in any other sport. No subjectivity like in gymnastics. And the Beijing08 edition should be a doozy when it comes to storylines: Lagat's double... the ouster of Russian cheats (unfortunately they still haven't caught the dirty-as-hell Russian steeplers)... Bolt v. Powell v. Gay... Jamaica gunning for the 4x100m WR... tons of talent in the 800m...

It just goes on and on.

Excitement level... 3,000,000,000 warrior yetis

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Olympics: Only Slightly More Complicated Than Planning a Family Reunion Potluck

Talk about a logistical nightmare. Today's New York Times features an article about the issues raised with rival companies vying for publicity at the Olympics -- some legitimate Olympic sponsors, some not.

Fast fact: the local organizing committee basically needs to snap up ALL the billboards in town to ensure only official sponsors end up using them. Crazy, right? (Note to self: buy properties in Chicago, investigate local zoning laws pertaining to billboards.) Also, as the article points out, if you're an official sponsor like Visa (and I'm assuming you are) you'll want to get some value out of your licensing investment and, thus, you'll need to make sure vendors EVERYWHERE are equipped to handle Visa cards. Afterall, your motto is "Everywhere you want to be" and Beijing, China...? Pretty far down the list, checking in just ahead of Poop Factory, and just behind Moist Hippo Sphincter.

The Olympics, however, IS where everyone wants to be -- even if they were held in said Sphincter -- and so companies are elbowing each other aside like fat people at a Golden Corral. For those of you at the Trials, you saw firsthand how adidas pulled a mini-coup by creating the post-race Place-to-Be at Villard Street Pub (more on that later today), just a short walk from Swoosh-festooned Hayward Field.

Inexplicably, Nike was unable to purchase the Olympics Movement as a whole -- you should have seen their proposed logo of five interlocking swooshes -- and, while Old Lady Victory was busy reaching past its grasp, adidas apparently slipped in to nab apparel-sponsor rights for Beijing 2008. (Nevermind the fact that the USOC is sponsored by Nike and that the US Track team will be competing in ugly Nike uniforms... whole other can of worms...)

So you can bet Nike will be looking for alternative methods for cashing in on the Olympic cow. My suggestion?

Handjobs.

[Ed. Note: Now including link it should have included from the get-go.]

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Geb To DNS For Beijing 10k

A week after Haile Gebreselassie announcing that he will probably pass on the marathon at the upcoming Summer Games -- citing Beijing's infamous pollution, and his slightly less infamous exercise-induced asthma -- Geb announced yesterday that he no longer plans to contest the 10k, either.

Details after the...

"Simply put," he said, "I am terrified of coughing up blood on the medal stand and all over my sneakers. Or dying. But mostly, I'm worried about the sneakers. Coughing blood onto them... that would effectively ruin that particular pair of sneakers."

Geb still plans to wear the Ethiopian kit and represent his country, though, but he will try to minimize his exposure to Beijing's pollutants by running a shorter distance.

"After evaluating the potential threats to my health, and to my sneakers, that I would risk in the 10,000 metres, I have finally settled on a plan for competing in the Beijing Olympics: I will be running the 200."

He explained the potential head-scratcher: "Y'all know I can close down a 10k with a fast quarter. So I've started working on my starts for the past week, and I'll be ready to go, come late summer. I mean, do you even realize how few Ethiopian sprinters there are? It's the easiest way onto the team. It's like eating a candied baby. That's the idiom, yes?"

While he would have been the favorite for marathon gold as the world record holder for that distance, and a long-shot dark horse in the 10k, Geb is realistic about his slim chances of medaling in the 200. But missing the gold does not seem to bother him too much.

He waved his hand dismissively. "A shiny coaster. I've got like, six of them or something. I forget."

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"Kundun"? Or "Enemy of the State"?

Fear not, good citizens of the world. The Chinese are committed to bringing us a "stable" Olympic Games. And to do so, they know they will have to keep a close eye on this guy:

That's public enemy #1. Don't be fooled by the happy-go-lucky smile. The nebbish glasses. That Nobel Peace Prize? A very time-consuming and well-constructed ruse. (Shades of The Prestige anyone?) Yessir, the Dalai Lama is, according to Olympic organizers in China, nothing but a saboteur, with Molotov cocktails and festering dissent stashed beneath his robes:

"He is even trying to sabotage this important event and spread rumors," said Zhang Qingli, the region's Communist Party secretary, its top official. [...] "If there is an unstable element in Tibet, for example, the sabotage activities of the Dalai clique, then under these special and individual circumstances we will take corresponding measures to uphold stability," he said.

In other words, they are going to strike back against his rumors, by starting a counter-rumor: that the Dalai Lama totally went down on Tommy Herschel in the bathroom at the junior prom.

Slut.

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Beijing Olympics = Yum

You say 14-inch half-breast of chicken so riddled with steroids it would make any athlete who ate it test positive, I say More delicious chicken to go around.

Thank you, my brother, for your noble sacrifice...

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Beijing 2008 = Barrel of Laughs

More than a day late, but hardly a dollar, or more appropriately a yuan short...

Man, these Deli-style chips are awesome. I'm never going back to Baked Lays. Hmm, what's this? A press conference announcing the re-branding of a new Chinese sports TV station to broadcast the Beijing Olympics? Hmmmmm.... seems pretty standard. The latest in news ticker technology? Ok, ok, sounds nice... And medal count graphics that "will make your head spin like girl in Exorcist"? Well, I'll take a wait and see approach on that one, but thanks... Wait, who's the chick? Oh, oh my!



Explanation after the jump.

Seems Zhang Bin, a pre-eminent sport broadcasting figure has been dipping his wick in... well, something other than what he's supposed to, and his wife is NOT happy about it. In the clip she has crashed said presser to accuse him of the extramarital affair she discovered just hours prior. That...is...awkward. But, hey! Great Burberry scarf! Of course, upon realizing what a great platform she had, she launched into an attack on China's human rights record. And, the fact that the portions at their neighborhood's Sizzler have been getting smaller and smaller over the course of the past year, but the prices keep going up! Naturally, to avoid having serious egg on their face, the relevant authorities tried to contain the clip on the Chinese airwaves, but it found its way onto YouTube, and well, the folks at Sizzler are powerful, but they aren't that powerful.

So, to recap: the Games are still over half a year away, and already China has given us promises to control the weather, an inexplicable on-record prejudice against big booties, and now, public dirty-laundry-airings for one of the faces of their nation. I cannot wait to see what's next.

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Faster, Higher, Less Voluptuous

First they guaranteed perfect weather for the duration of the Olympics. (They will dissipate potential rainclouds by shooting rockets into them.) Now they are guaranteeing that athletes will receive their medals from only the slimmest, hottest of young Chinese women. No word yet on whether this guarantee is predicated on a plan to shoot rockets into the "big bottoms" the planning committee is so worried about. But if it is, sign me up.

[by way of Deadspin, via 100 Percent Injury Rate.]

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